


clinging to ghosts

by ahnakins



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Letters, M/M, no set timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 17:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8218459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahnakins/pseuds/ahnakins
Summary: Tell me this, Steve, do you really love me? Or do you love the boy who came to your defence when we were kids?





	

**Author's Note:**

> i apologise for the inevitable errors that arise from writing this on my phone at 10:30 on a school night. I should be sleeping.

Dear Steve,  
We've changed. We've all changed. I'm not the same as I used to be. You're not either. I don't really blame anyone but time. Ah, time. It's really fucked us up, hasn't it?  
You're taller and stronger and better and I'm twisted and hurt and... worse. I've got this stupid arm and I hate it, I hate that I feel broken in more ways than one. It's not about the arm, not really. It's the fact that anyone could say those words and I could flip like a coin, and I might hurt someone. I might hurt you and that terrifies me, Steve. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone.  
I told you this once, at midnight when it was eerily quiet and I'd had nightmares. You just looked a little sad and took my hands, both flesh and metal, and you told me, "You're not broken. You're not incomplete. You've been hurt. That's not your fault." I damn nearly cried then, Steve. It was strange, to have you saying those things to me, when I used to say those kinds of things to you back when we were young. You got bullied and then I got bullied by different people. It's all the same, I guess. But then you held my metal arm and kissed every inch of it, just to show that you still love every part of me, metal or not.  
I don't deserve you, Steve. You're too good for me. You helped so many people, you're still helping, and you're going to help so many more people. Me, all I've done is killed. The people I murdered weren't even bad, they were good people that got on Hydra's bad side. I remember their faces, I think. I don't know. I can't draw the line between reality and dreams.  
Tell me this, Steve, do you really love me? Or do you love the boy who came to your defence when we were kids? That question haunts me.  
I'm always going to love the boy I defended, and the man that defended me. Do you really love the man that slaughtered innocents? Because that's what I did, Steve. I slaughtered them like animals, as if they meant nothing. Sometimes I think you forget that. I'm not a good person. I'm broken and hurt and my hands are dripping with blood. I can't wash it off. It sticks to my skin like a stain, a constant reminder of the horrors I've done.  
Tell me, Steve, when you say "I love you," are you not just living in the past?

Love always,  
Bucky

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked this? if this gets a good response i might write steve's reply, who knows... please leave kudos and a comment! feedback is always appreciated!


End file.
